every man has to find out for himself

I haven’t written here for a while – that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing, though. I had some deadlines to meet. I imagined I’d sit down today and catch up on all of the cool stuff I’ve done and thoughts I’ve had. However, I find myself captured by the news of a school shooting in Connecticut. I refuse to splash my impotent outrage all over facebook or twitter, as if such electronic expression is in any way beneficial. I think it gives people not in any way involved in the situation a false way of feeling like they’ve “done something.” It also seems to be so typical of our country today that some housewife in Colorado considers her opinion at all relevant. I labor under no illusions that anyone reads my blog. People are ranting about gun control and holding vigils before the families have even identified their dead. Taking away second amendment rights will not stop someone determined to kill. In China today a madman stabbed thirty people. McVey killed with a truck full of fertilizer and terrorists used planes. I am not saying that what happened today in Connecticut isn’t horrific; because it is – there is no way anyone who has not suffered the sudden loss of their child can understand what those parents are feeling. There is no way anyone who has not witnessed true carnage can understand what those first responders saw. At best most people can only express a limited sympathy or empathy for those involved. I sat and cried through the news coverage, but if I’m honest I cried because I imagined my own child in that school. I could feel the terror of running a mile to break through the police line and rush in to save her. Today was one of those rare days I was glad my husband wasn’t home watching me cry. He would have said something callous. He would have been irritated that such news interrupted his day. He would have mocked the people who were upset. He has probably already posted something shockingly inappropriate and insensitive on facebook – I will avoid checking and just wait until someone in town mentions it. I’ve debated with myself time and again whether he does it because he craves attention, even the negative kind, or if he actually believes other people like what he’s saying and agree with him. His girlfriend will probably laugh and egg him on. That seems to be the pattern. I guess she’s better for him in that way.